Starting Anew

So here it goes again. I am starting over on the blog front. I realize that I have done this multiple times. I decide to start blogging again and hype myself up and lay out all these goal and then never follow through. Its the same list of excuses, I'm too busy, the kids need me, I have to clean, I need to do laundry, I could go on and on but the real reason is I just get lazy.
   
 In addition to that I think its time that I admit that I started a blog with the idea in my head that it was going to be read by a bunch of people who would leave me encouraging comments and we'd start this weird camaraderie but that's not the case. Just the sheer volume of blogs out there makes that an insane idea. Plus I refuse to share on my own social media pages that I blog. It seems to much to have people who I know know reading anything I write. Hell what if I wrote about them.
 
We all are guilty of it. I personally have no one in my life that I am happy with all the time. Even my boyfriend, who is the love of my life, pisses me off at times. I know there are times when we both want to lock the other one in a room and leave them there for awhile. And that's the nice version that goes on in my head.
 
Now can you imagine what I think and or say about other people in my life who piss me off? I have one best friend who I love dearly and would go to the ends of the earth for but at times she's a SHITTY friend. There are others who never pick up a phone to call except when they need something and then there are ones who are more of glorified acquaintances then friends.
 
Part of the shotty friendships are my fault. I do get busy, I have five kids on a daily basis. When there's time with no kids, the first priority is time with my love. But come on. I'm sick of being the one to reach out, to always make the phone calls, to set up the dinners, to try to plan get togethers. Their reasoning, I moved. Yes I no longer live 5 minutes away but I didn't move states. At most we are an hour apart. Before the move, every single one of them supported it, even encouraged it. They saw how happy I was and told me to go for it. See not always shotty friends! But not long after I moved it became the one sided friendship.

 Maybe I didn't choose the best of friends but they are honestly great people. Maybe I need to make new friends but I've never been great at that. I'm a tough nut to crack but once we become friends its a different story. Then add in that my love has an ex-wife that had friends around this neighborhood but then burned those bridges. Unknowingly to me I befriended the one friend she had left around here(that we know of) and that completely blew up in my face. Its amazing that grown women can still revert to the he said, she said bullcrap. I didn't like high school drama the first time around and I can't stand it now.
   
Plus how do you make new friends in your late twenties? I'm a stay at home mom so there's no work friends(even though that didn't work before). I've joined Mom groups before and still felt like an outsider. There are always the older more established Moms that give me the brush off since I had my son at 18. Then there's the other group of younger Moms that only show up at the groups once or twice and then disappear. And the final group is the "regulars" they started the group and have been around the longest and are not okay with new people.
   
 Maybe I haven't found the right group yet, I don't know. I have made a couple connections with people but sadly its not the friendship where you call just to chat. I know it's partially my fault but maybe I'm not ready yet. One day.

 Now that I've excepted that this blog is going to just be an online journal for me maybe I will write more. If not it's not a big deal and if I do then 5 years down the line I can always look back and giggle or realize how different I am.

Isolation sucks, but it not an STD!

Have you ever felt completely isolated? The feeling of no matter the quantity or quality of friends or family you have that you’re still in it alone. Well you and me both. For some reason this funk has been going on and I’m banking on this being therapeutic because in all honesty I’m over it. If I sit and think about it I have been extremely selective and have a very small group of friends that I have let in. Bringing up a little bit of background to help explain this but I had my oldest when I was 18. Getting pregnant at 17 was not in the plans and according to the docs not able to happen, but it did. I was a partier and when that stick had the plus sign on it that stopped. Don’t get me wrong that was for the best obviously but in that moment is when I can see now that I started to close myself off. I stopped hanging out with a lot of the people I did, again not a bad thing, but I never gave them the chance of changing as well.

Then being in a six year relationship with someone who was a bit controlling helped thin that out more. I became friends with his friends but their loyalties were to him and when everything came to a head I no longer talked to them either. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a complete loner but I can count on two hands the people I still count as friends. Well with that said we are all going it what seems separate directions. Oops is finishing school so we rarely talk or hang out. Tee just went back to school so the same thing. Then there’s Ash who works an opposite schedule of mine and has a three month old, or Trish who has two munchkins and is a single mom with two jobs. I have attempted before to make new friends but that to me is hard.

Doing some deep soul searching, or whatever you want to call it, I know that I don’t let people in because then you get burned. But honestly I’m to the point where enough is enough. I’ve jumped back into the dating thing so why not make new friends? I’ve joined groups through meetup.com but find myself always coming up with a reason not to go or dragging someone I know along to keep me company. It’s always been easier that way. I guess its time to put on my big girl panties and make some friends. I miss girl’s nights out or in. I miss dishing over food about guys. I miss being able to complain about cramps to someone who can actually relate.